The Gift

Sofly my fingers crossed over an array of options ,various shades designs,prints and textures,depicting shades of love and care,my mind trying to figure out the one which emotes the most with my emotions,the one which transfers and connects to its best with the hands and heart which receive it,the purpose of connecting two souls should not be defeated ,my genuine feelings reaching out more ,than the article packed inside,because it is again a wonderful time to reiterate ,recite and celebrate a bond ,a bond delving deep beyond anything,somehow I find myself drowned with the waves of feelings and thoughts of a relationship,which had landed me in this famous shop,drenched in the love rendered by it,maybe its my overthinking or my sensitivities,but the entire process ,from choosing the shop then the gift and then the wrapping paper and the ribbon is something I love to do,as I love to celebrate my bonds of love reaching out to them,reinforcing the bond and strengthen the meaning of love ,care ,bonds and relationships.

 

Where is the question dearest Shakespeare?

I find it fascinating how I could occasionally write so freely . How the words would flow right out my fingertips without the usual frown that accompanied most ideas. It is as if all those times there had been a wall standing tall in the middle of my thoughts and insecurities, hiding one and pushing one into existence. And I swear, when I would close my eyes; I could see that wall. Barely noticeable, yet never diffusing.

 This is one of those times, I feel an electric charge at the tip of my hands as though the words are begging to be let out, to be freed, to see the light of day or more honestly; the light of my barely lit room.

I envied people. For always knowing exactly what to say and what do, in situations where I would most definitely halt . For being ignorant yet maintaining their happiness. How could such atrocities feel joy while I could in fact; not. Why must I be haunted by the same thoughts but at the same time feel as though I was not. What is that feeling called? I have searched relentlessly through books, in the hope of finding a relatable sense. To be and not to be at the same time? To think and not think all at once?

Where is the question dearest Shakespeare? Does it lay with the answer to my troubles? Or would it only trouble the water I barely foresee.

 

Trying to get back on track as writing only heals me

So, my goodness, it’s been so long since I’ve written. I feel like this is becoming a trend. I wait until my energy lines up with the act of writing, instead of trying to force it…and it seems to really take quite some time. Maybe I should write here a bit more often. I have been writing in my journal, though, which I also feel is important, as there’s something about the hand-to-pen-to-paper act of writing. It almost seems like an art these days. Especially with regard to my lettering, I can take the time and write more conscientiously, designing beautiful letters and putting more thought into each and every word, or I can write rapidly, the letters coming out like hieroglyphics, barely legible but conveying the message regardless. Writing. A chance to express me, exquisitely, no holds barred. Ha. Did you know that saying comes from wrestling? A match where all holds are allowed, nothing is off limits, especially regarding “hostilities and offense”. I love this definition; this is exactly how I feel and exactly the need for writing. In life we tend to “bar some holds”, trying not to offend, not wanting to “rock the boat” or get in “hot water” with anyone. But truly, when we hold back, we A. don’t get to express our truth, and B. don’t give others the permission to express their truth either. By acting as if the truth is somehow a level of danger, we veer away from it, passing the message to those in our vicinity that truth and honest conversation are dangerous and should be approached gingerly, if at all. Hmm, thoughts on that? I suppose there is an honest, compassionate, detached from emotional reactions, way of expressing and living in truth. I feel that this would be a good lesson to include in a school curriculum. Aah, the things we learn in school and the things we didn’t. Although, maybe there is a philosophy or communications class which includes this topic in the curriculum. But it would be beneficial for human-kind, so would be useful in the general course curriculum – for sure. Anyways…that’s not even why I am writing today.

Today I am inspired to write because of the lessons I have learned since this change in social structure based on the notion of a worldwide pandemic. I am not getting into the politics of it all, as I believe every scenario is true in every individual. As we co-create our outer world based on our inner world. What I would like to discuss is the intimate lessons I’ve so deliciously been gifted wayback

All my life, as far back as I can remember…ok, that’s probably not accurate, well maybe so. I have always been a person who seeks truth, opportunity, and growth. In fact, I remember adults saying to me, “Well, you won’t understand this now, but you will when you get older.” And that was always a challenge for me to actually take on the message, embody it, and understand it. Now. Understanding something was never a matter of simply swallowing the words and wearing them as a cloak of truth, but rather, an opportunity to see through the eyes of this new perspective, experience the world with this view and feel, through direct experience, how life expressed itself through this lens.

There was a certain point in my life where, somehow, I learned that I wasn’t acceptable the way I was. I began to feel like, in order to show myself to the world, I had to change. I was, at my root, a dishonest person with bad habits and left to my own devices I would hurt others. Again, I’m not going to get into where this came from, it just came. I was an adolescent. From this point on I made it my mission, without necessarily making and overt decision, to do the inner work. Whatever shape or form that came in. Unfortunately, one of the shapes, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, was an eating disorder. But fortunately, many of the shapes have facilitated my growth into the badass bitch I am today. And I can honestly say that with so much love and burning desire for the love of my Self and my life. In fact, when I take a second look, I see that the eating disorder was the first gift in the series of gifts I’ve been given in the journey of self-growth, human-growth, and being a contribution of love and positive vibrations in this universe. Without the initial twist of the knife in my heart, I wouldn’t have been able to explore the healing journeys for each vital tissue between the surface skin and the tissue at the deepest point of the shank. I am and forever will be grateful for each and every ounce of pain I endure, for this is where growth and healing arise.

So, back to this journey of being “the best me I can possibly be”. You may or may not be aware of this term called, “Perfectionism”. You may have heard of it, you may think, even, that’s it’s actually a good thing. In fact, it’s debilitating. There is no possible way to be perfect, and the striving for it is quite isolating and lonely. You see, at one point in my life, when I was a child, I felt like I was so “good” and so pure that I was nearly godlike. In fact, I thought I had a heavenly divine purpose in this world. I remember a friend of mine asked, “What’s your deepest darkest secret?” and when I had nothing to offer, I thought I was wrong and needed to work on my life so as to be able to have an answer the next time someone asked me that question. Well, what we put in our energy field manifests. So, I developed an eating disorder. Through this I started having feelings of being a liar, unworthy of love, ugly, ashamed, wrong etc. I held all my feelings in and especially the fact that I was partaking in these behaviors. This became my deepest darkest secret, and deep and dark it was. I can only speak to my own relative experience of deep and dark, as I haven’t lived anyone else’s life. Pain is a very personal experience and is impossible to compare to the depth or level of anyone else’s pain. So, I will not attempt. I can only speak to my experience. So, as I was saying, henceforth, the journey of self-growth began. I worked voraciously on trying to cover up, heal, bandage, ignore, dissect all the reasons I was doing or not doing what I was or wasn’t doing. Life became an inward project and I slowly began to build a wall between myself and others, knowing I wasn’t good enough, or “clean” enough, to show my true self. I didn’t have that best friend that you could tell anything to because my “anything” was too bad to share and I knew I would be rejected, exiled and made an outcast if I shared my “deepest darkest secret”. Be careful what you wish for, right? Throughout the rest of my school years, into and beyond college I lived with this thought, which now became a belief, that I wasn’t good enough for real, true, deep love. I was broken at my core, and until I could fix that I had no right to drag anyone else into my dysfunctional mess. I remember one time, I think it was my mom, or at least a mom-like figure, who said, “If we wait to be perfect before we find “the one”, then we will always be waiting.” Uhf, that stuck. Like a sticker on my arm. I knew this to be true but just because I saw the truth in it doesn’t mean it had immediate transformational power. We’re talking 15, 20+ years of a belief system in place here. This takes work to dismantle, to untangle those limiting beliefs.

Ok, so I may be jumping the gun here and getting to the good stuff too quickly, without enough back story, but I’m ready for it.

So Covid hit and due to various circumstances, I found myself staying with some friends for a month and half. Immediately I knew this was a gift from the universe. Why? Because these friends have two beautiful little girls, one 3 and one 5, the same difference in age as my sister and I. My interpretation? I was being given the opportunity to see my childhood from the outside looking in, as an observer, as an adult. I wasn’t and am still not entirely sure why this is/was necessary, though I knew I was in love with the idea of it. I got to watch and hear their mom mother so similarly to the way my mother did. Her behaviors, words etc were as if she was the embodiment of my mom even though my mom is still alive and well, living in her own body. The innocence of the little girls, their purity, ability to live in the present moment, express raw emotions, the desire to eat or not eat, play alone or with each other, laugh, cry, sleep, was so Self-driven. They were/are so strong in exactly what they need, without needing to explain why. And they are right. No one can tell someone else they don’t feel hungry, or tired, or sad, or social or introspective or angry or anything. We are born with innate ability to feel what we need. We have that from birth, and we have it until the day we die. It never goes away. Our ability to listen to our emotions only gets buried as we take on more and more of the messages passed onto us through society: friends, family, coworkers, peers, teachers; media: tv, newspaper, magazines, movies, books, etc. So, I participated in this family’s life, graciously, adoringly, maybe even with so much adoration that it seemed false, but it was so true to my core. In my core I could feel I was living in a gift from the universe moment by moment, and all the feelings I had while living in this environment of a re-enactment of what could have been and/or what was my childhood were messages too, opportunities to ask what’s stirring this emotion inside myself. If I didn’t want to be in the house at a certain time, why or why not? If something made me happy, anxious, melancholy etc., where did that come from? I got to see family dynamics in such a beautiful, healthy and real way. It was as if I was looking through a window to my past and my future by observing this experience in the present moment. Like a yoga pose, though sometimes difficult to maintain, I held on in observation, a relaxed face, knowing that the resistance is the part where we grow. I found myself understanding that, even though I thought I ate too much one night, or “felt fat” one day, the little girls still ran up to me to show me this or that, wanted my attention and still saw me the same. I didn’t change on the outside, it was on the inside where I changed. My mental patterns. If I were alone in my home, these mental patterns would have the opportunity to linger longer. Effect my behavior. Cause me to feel unworthy of going outside, breathing fresh air, moving my body for health and exercise because the guilt and shame says “You’re too fat and ugly to go outside. Everyone will see you overate last night, and they will judge you. They will look at you with eyes of knowingness, knowing your imperfections, your failures, your ugliness. You can’t go out there. Stay inside, stay in bed, spend the day meditating, drinking tea, and fasting…” as I subconsciously make my way to the kitchen cupboards for comfort. In this environment, that behavior couldn’t exist. Immediately upon awakening and encountering my temporary new family, I had to discount that voice in my head, I had to “do it anyway”, be in people’s presence anyway, and because of that, I realized, I was alright anyway. I was still loved. I was just the same as I was the day before and what my mind was catastrophizing was really not that big of a deal! What?! How cool! And really good to know. So as days and weeks went on, I became more and more skilled at quieting that judgmental voice in my head, aka, the superego, or as Geneen Roth puts it, the “Crazy Aunt in the Attic”. In this environment, anyways.

So, fast forward. I lived with these friends from mid-March to the end of April. May 1st, I moved back into my place. It was now time to experience Covid-19 repercussions at my home, alone. Could I take the patterns of life I had been living for the past month and a half into my home, my own space, and move seamlessly into continued health and well-being? Well, any transition takes time adjusting to. Eventually I started my morning routine again: waking by 6am, yoga, meditation, gym, home, work. But it wasn’t a smooth transition. The smoothest, I have to say, I’ve ever made, which is great to see progress and wonderful to report but not flawless. Alas, I am still human having human experiences, relatable to humanity. Whew! I still found myself feeling like I “ate more than I should have” some evenings which left me feeling guilty, ashamed, and unworthy the following morning, but instead of listening to that voice telling me all the evil words, I went out on my morning run to the gym anyway. I did life anyway. And the more I “did it anyway” the more I realized, it’s the routine that matters. It’s sticking to my routine that time after time confirms that the world still accepts me. That I didn’t morph into an ugly monster overnight that everyone would stare at and be disgusted of if they saw me. No. The more I stuck to my practices that empower me, serve me, and propel me in a positive direction, the faster I get out of the negative self-talk, back into my body, in a forgiving headspace of love and nourishment. Sometimes we have to put our body on autopilot, just push play on the machine and watch the body walk out the door to the gym without letting the mind interfere. The heart knows what’s best. The heart is what created the healthy practices in the first place. When the heart and the mind were on the same page. But sometimes our heart and mind dis-integrate, the mind turns evil and throws the body into harmful learned behaviors, leaving the heart deflated, crushed, limp and lifeless afterward.

Another thing I worked on was identifying when that “crazy aunt in the attic” was talking. I realized that when I was feeling constriction in my heart, my chest felt tight, my breath was short or nonexistent, I felt small, stifled, squashed…I asked myself, what I’m I hearing? What am I saying to myself in this moment? When I would deliberately start a track of affirming words such as: “I am strong. I am powerful. I am beautiful. I am intelligent, fun, funny, adventurous, fun to be around. People enjoy being around me. I am a good time! I like myself. I love myself. I accomplish amazing things!” I realized that constriction, tightness, smallness, unworthiness quickly transforms into a straighter back, with my chest out, chin up, confidence, respect. I felt empowered. I learned to say “Shut the F*** up!” to that crippling voice and actively invite in my truth. My empowerment. The voice that encourages my to live my birthright which is love, happiness, health, wealth, friends and family.

I have to admit something…it is two weeks since I started writing this and I can’t remember exactly where I was going with it, haha! So, I’m just going to take it where I want to now.

In the last two weeks I have been so blessed to have been exposed to two phenomenal 5-day embodiment summits. One was called Embodied Movement Summit and the other was the Embodied Psychology Summit. I have been filled with feelings of being acknowledged, inspired, seen, felt, heard, understood, thrilled! I have learned so much and feel like I have been given immense gifts, once again. They were free! 5 days, about 8 speakers per day. Scientists, “best-seller” book authors, psychologists, award-winners, speakers, world-renowned specialists in their area, sharing with the world in their little 1 ½ hour window and glimpse into their specialty. Healing the world, bit by bit. Without being salesy, just sharing their passion, their life’s work which was inspired through their own life experiences. Again, I feel like their hands passed over me, filling me with permission to also do my work, to write my experiences, epiphanies, study, write some more, explore ideas, get creative with what the indicator might be pointing to. I study Ayurveda, now. I studied Anthropology, and there were many anthropology majors in these summits, which paved the way for me to understand that this work, this train of thought, has been in me since the beginning. This is my life force. My passion. My interest. The air I breathe. The information I take in and transform into sense, how it makes sense to me in my life and in reference to the rest of the world, both in ancient times and in the world today. I also studies psychology. I ended up getting a Bachelor of Science in psychology. Listening to these psychologists brought me to understand that I was in a field that is me. This is what makes me tick. And that’s ok! It’s ok to love knowledge, to love to learn and to want to learn more. It’s ok to want to read, to formulate thoughts into theories, write them down and expound on that. It’s ok to have all this written down, made into a book, or not even, and shared with the world. They can say you’re wrong. That’s fine too. But if no one did this then we wouldn’t have all of these fascinating theories, practices, methods etc that work! Make sense for people. They aren’t a blanket solution because we are all different and not just one thing works for everyone. But what I found absolutely fascinating was how, in their own scientific language, some of the speakers even had an eastern approach, but how so many times, I found myself grinning ear to ear as what I was hearing translated perfectly over to Ayurveda, which is a Sanskrit word that translates to “the science of life”. This science is over 5,000 years old. Now we have words like psychoneuroimmunology which is the connection of the psychological processes the nervous system and our immune system. Ayurveda has been aware of the connection between stress, emotional disorders and immunity since the beginning incorporating practices such as meditation for the psyche, pranayama (breathwork) for the nervous system and eating a mostly vegetarian diet of veggies, legumes, warm milk and healthy fats – all of these things combine to set the stage for a healthy mind, body and consequently, emotional environment. All of this contributes to increased immunity.

Over the last two weeks I have be re-inspired about what I am learning and where I am going with it. I know I have a purpose on this planet and it’s about time I share it with the world. It’s not selfish to want to put myself “out there”. I am not unworthy of sharing my experiences, my knowledge, my insights. In fact, it’s important I get my voice out there as soon as possible, because there are thousands of people out there who can benefit from exactly what I share. It’s time to take ownership, grab ahold of the reigns and let that pony ride! I’m done keeping it to myself. I’m done feeling “not good enough”, feeling like I need to know more or be better to be able to help others. I can help right now. In fact, I already do. Time to have more confidence in my voice. This is coming from a place of healing the world, not a place of feeling like I know best, and I am perfect. I am far from perfect, and through all my vast imperfections, I can help heal the world, through my own healing, exploration and discovery. I’m not exactly sure how this will all unfold but I have faith. I know the universe has a way. Step by step, with observation, awareness, faith, and courage the path will develop before me as I continue to advance into it.

Please ignore the gramitical mistake if I have done it

Pls ignore my mistake as I am starting again just consider me as nobody 🙏😁😀

 

STILLNESS

May I say something before I go?

I hold my breath, but you keep breathing. How come?

I’ve sent you my letter many times, anyway’s I think the wind took them. Please take this letter in earnest, because I will never write you again, and not because I don’t have time, but because I am losing my hope in you, catch me soon. Tonight I am looking at the sky, and I feel how every single star has died in my eyes. I am so afraid that you could die at once with them. So afraid that I will never meet you, even if I said that I don’t believe in you anymore. There are probably many people who ponder this question

“Who are you?”. But what really bothers me is if I will meet you, could you be as in our first moment when we saw each other. Can you be soulful for all your life? The one who can fly, be scared, cry, die and live, who can love. The one who is not afraid to leave his body, his priority, who never will be afraid to breathe once with me, without having anything.

And if you can be real, can you promise me that you will never lie to me, that you will be transparent as a tear drop? Can you promise me that you will never give life to words if you don’t feel them in your veins? Can you promise me that you will never hurt my world?

Under my eyelash I see the world somber, and I am tired of this cloudy sky, with every single day I am so far from believing in your shadow. I am walking alone on this earth, but I can feel your hand hold mine without any space. I know you will always be next to me, because in the night we reflect in the same moon, in the same sky. And the depth in our soul is a big abyss. I don’t know you but I can feel you, I know that I am falling deeply and slowly in your eyes with every sunset. You live under my skin, in my veins, through my bones. Sometimes you can hurt me and I have, in that place rust. But sometimes you can make me as happy as the sky, I don’t want to open my eyes.

I thought about you last night, when lighting cut the sky and the sky started to cry. I saw your eyes, clear in my mind, almost as if you were looking right at me. Your voice was in my mind. Your touch was on my skin, almost like you were holding me close, and I felt under my skin every single touch. And I love how you listened to me when I talk about something, about nothing, about everything.

People complain about this life, and they lose time making themselves busy, they look down instead of looking up to the sky, up…to the sun. The world can’t hurt you if you stop to seeing the happiness in the sky, in the world around you. We start to be pieces of a scar, walking every day on the same ground with the same tracks.

May I say something before I go?It’s been a long time that I cannot breathe.

 

From Pizza with Love

I munched the cheese sandwich and forced it down my throat. It tasted like cardboard and I could literally feel it passing over to my empty stomach. My thoughts were occupied by an infuriating girl.

It had been that way since the day I met her. I could feel the tears collecting over my eyelashes. I missed her. I missed her smell. I missed her eyes. I missed her voice. Hell, I even missed the sound of her breath. It had been two solid days, since we last spoke. The two greatest things that life had given me was: her love and football. So, I tried to distract myself by indulging my body and mind with football. But football couldn’t keep her off my mind. I was out of focus the entire time I spent at the field. My teammates seemed to be disappointed with my performance, I myself felt disappointed with it, but I couldn’t help it. All my attempts to forget her ended up in vain. So I finally gave up and spent my every second of every day with her thoughts hovering my mind. Her presence made me feel alive, it made me a better version of myself. I was madly in love with her. Her eyes held a spark that no girl could possibly have. Even thinking about it made me feel alive. It made me feel sense, sense of what an idiot I was to let her go. That sense  made me feel disgusted over myself for sitting and munching a bad cheese sandwich and feeling depressed that she left me instead of trying to get her back. She was my life, how could I live without her? 

I made up my mind that I simply could not live in depression and quickly got up from the chair and walked towards the garage. I could hear my mother’s distant voice asking me what I was upto. I didn’t bother to reply, I just waved my hands at her, signalling a bye and drove the car out. It took me a while to realize that her anger on me was at its peak. I had to do something that would make her forget the anger. I tried to recall the million moments she and I shared together, searching for that one thing which will make her get out off the anger. Then, it striked to me, food. She loves eating. I wanted to make that whole apology scenario a little funny, yet it must prove my point. It must show how sorry I was. I ran through the events that happened that day, from eating a sandwich to feeling depressed to thinking about her eyes to the spark that made me feel sense. She encouraged me into that and suddenly, I felt how lucky I was to have met her. I could not let her go and I will not. My mind got out of the thought process and started jotting down the endless list of food items she loved the most. I tried to pick a few which held an emotional or memorable meaning to both of us and the obvious answer was, pizza. Our first date was to a pizza place. I recalled the way her face lit up when the waiter had placed the dish on our table. She savoured each and every mouth of it, her face etched with a smile throughout the entire evening. I even remember how she politely thanked the waiter for serving us. I fell for her madly, that day.

 I drove my way to the same pizza place and placed an order for a customized pizza. I asked them to add all the toppings I knew she’d love. I payed for the pizza and left the place. I then drove to an English Café known for it’s cheese cakes. She was the one who brought me there first and I instantly got addicted to the taste of the cheese cake. I bought two of those and placed them in the passenger seat of my car, next to the pizza box. I took a pen out of the dashboard and opened the pizza box. The smell of the pizza filled my nostrils, it was wonderful and I was sure that  she’d love it. I wrote a ‘Sorry’ message at the inside of the opened lid and drew a heart around it. It looked perfect. I closed the box and drove my way to her house. Within minutes, I reached the street where her house was located. As I entered the street, I could see a car parked infront of her house. I then saw her parents getting into the car, followed by her brother. I silently prayed that she mustn’t go with them because then I’d have to eat the pizza and cheese cake all by myself. All my plan would go for a waste. My prayers didn’t go in vain, she stood at a distance and waved a good-bye to her family. The situation couldn’t be more perfect. I mentally did a somersault and waited for the car to leave the place. After the car left, I slowly drove towards the house and looked out for signs of other people. After few minutes of scanning the locality, I was quiet sure that she was alone. I went towards the door with the pizza and cheese cakes in my hand. I took a minute before ringing the bell to open the box and place the cheese cake on either side of the pizza. I rang the bell and the 20 seconds wait was the longest wait ever! The door opened with a click. She looked so pretty. She was dressed in a grey T-shirt and white tracks. Her eyes never failed to mesmerize me. I mentally whistled at how beautiful she looked. I quickly got out of the stance and studied her expression. It was null. I could make out nothing from it. Her eyes racked slowly towards the box in my hand and I swear that I saw a faint smile play over her lips. It was a good sign. I quickly bent on my knees and said, 

“Please forgive me. I simply can’t live without you”, and put on the best innocent smile I could. Her expression was still null. A part of me started losing hope that she’d forgive me. Just as I started thinking that all this was for a waste, her expression slowly changed to a smile and she started laughing. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. She took the pizza box from my hand and gently placed her lips on mine. The kiss was gentle and soft. I placed my hands on her waist and kissed her with equal intensity. After a while, she took her lips off mine and said, “I wouldn’t have forgiven you if it was not for the pizza”. 

“So, you love pizza more than me?”, I countered. 

“Apparently, yes.”, she replied with a mock attitudish tone.

I smiled with relief, realizing that she was back being her old self. 

“You may come in.”, she said with the same tone and turned around. 

We were back again, so I had to get back to being myself, right? I gently held her waist and lifted her, my other arm lifting her knees. She gave a squeak and started giggling. 

“Yes, let’s go in”, I replied by adapting the tone she used a while back. 

She mock glared at me and placed one of her arms around my neck, the other arm holding the pizza box. 

“I love you, you know.”, she said. 

“I love you baby.”, I replied and the kiss that followed seemed to last for hours. 

I mentally thanked the people responsible for the discovery of pizza and cheese cake, without whom my life would’ve been miserable! ; )

 

STILLNESS

Stillness…

May I say something before I go?

I hold my breath, but you keep breathing. How come?

I’ve sent you my letter many times, anyway’s I think the wind took them. Please take this letter in earnest, because I will never write you again, and not because I don’t have time, but because I am losing my hope in you, catch me soon. Tonight I am looking at the sky, and I feel how every single star has died in my eyes. I am so afraid that you could die at once with them. So afraid that I will never meet you, even if I said that I don’t believe in you anymore. There are probably many people who ponder this question

“Who are you?”. But what really bothers me is if I will meet you, could you be as in our first moment when we saw each other. Can you be soulful for all your life? The one who can fly, be scared, cry, die and live, who can love. The one who is not afraid to leave his body, his priority, who never will be afraid to breathe once with me, without having anything.

And if you can be real, can you promise me that you will never lie to me, that you will be transparent as a tear drop? Can you promise me that you will never give life to words if you don’t feel them in your veins? Can you promise me that you will never hurt my world?

Under my eyelash I see the world somber, and I am tired of this cloudy sky, with every single day I am so far from believing in your shadow. I am walking alone on this earth, but I can feel your hand hold mine without any space. I know you will always be next to me, because in the night we reflect in the same moon, in the same sky. And the depth in our soul is a big abyss. I don’t know you but I can feel you, I know that I am falling deeply and slowly in your eyes with every sunset. You live under my skin, in my veins, through my bones. Sometimes you can hurt me and I have, in that place rust. But sometimes you can make me as happy as the sky, I don’t want to open my eyes.

I thought about you last night, when lighting cut the sky and the sky started to cry. I saw your eyes, clear in my mind, almost as if you were looking right at me. Your voice was in my mind. Your touch was on my skin, almost like you were holding me close, and I felt under my skin every single touch. And I love how you listened to me when I talk about something, about nothing, about everything.

People complain about this life, and they lose time making themselves busy, they look down instead of looking up to the sky, up…to the sun. The world can’t hurt you if you stop to seeing the happiness in the sky, in the world around you. We start to be pieces of a scar, walking every day on the same ground with the same tracks.

May I say something before I go?

It’s been a long time that I cannot breathe.

 

Soul mates cannot be found through worldly means.

There are several reasons why relationships fail, and very few reasons why they succeed. If TRUE love is your goal, you won’t find it by building your relationships on earthly foundations. Soul mates cannot be found through worldly means. Whatever image you’ve created of your soul mate, the beautiful woman with the piercing eyes, or the handsome man with the chiseled features; these are rarely more than superficial fantasies. As long as you’re searching for that perfect IMAGE, you will prevent yourself from seeing your true soul mate when your paths actually do cross.

So how has romance treated you thus far? Have you been successful? Is this your first relationship? If it is, and it has the right elements, you may have that happily ever after ending you’ve been searching for. But if those elements are missing, or you’ve had more than one failed relationship in the past, chances are, your present relationship, will not be your last. That, of course, depends upon the pattern you’ve developed. You haven’t developed a pattern, you say? Perhaps not, but, then again, maybe you have, and you just don’t realize it.

Let’s take a look at the man who married three times, prior to his present relationship. In each of his previous marriages, his wives cheated on him. Would you say this man has a pattern? A woman, who married twice, was abused by one husband, and cheated on by the other? Does that qualify as a pattern? Her two husbands betrayed her in different ways, so what’s consistent about that? A man who married twice, cheated on his first wife, but in his second marriage his wife cheated on him? How could that possibly be a pattern? The truth is, each example describes a pattern of failure. One failure need not be exactly like the last to create a pattern.

The first thing a person MUST do in order to change their present paradigm, is take responsibility for their pattern of failure. We often take on the roll of victim when relationships end. This absolves us of the responsibility for our failure. But how are we ever going to learn from our mistakes if we convince ourselves we never made them? If we spend our time blaming our former partners for the destruction of our relationships, then we don’t really understand how relationships work. When two individuals unite, they become two halves of one soul. They are no longer individuals. Modern relationships, however, do not share these ideals. Couples enter into a marriage on a trial basis only. Neither party is willing to relinquish their individuality; for fear that the relationship may fail. Should that happen, individuality insures that they will be able to make a clean break. Even those of us who believe that marriage is forever, remain uncertain that the relationship will actually last. In a world where people divorce for reasons as superficial as a man losing his hair, or a woman’s body changing after pregnancy, why shouldn’t we be uncertain of marriage?

Regardless of the reasons a relationship ends, the FACT that you are responsible for your pattern, does not change. Let’s examine the word responsible for a moment. In any given situation, you are able to respond wisely, or foolishly. In other words, you are response-able. A man dates a woman who shows all the signs of being a cheater, but because he’s convinced himself that she’s the “one,” he refuses to see those signs. A woman dates a man with a temper, who doesn’t hide his jealousy, regarding her flirtatious personality. His jealous tirades could easily evolve into physical abuse. But she convinces herself that he is her soul mate, and ignores the signs. So who is at fault in these examples?

A man is walking through a forest and spots a wounded bear. He has compassion for the bear, so he runs home and gets his truck and trailer. He coaxes the bear into the trailer with some raw fish, and takes him home. He clears a place for the bear in his garage, and begins nursing the animal back to health. After several weeks, the bear is healthy once more. The man believes he’s made himself a new friend, and prepares to return the bear to the forest. He throws some raw fish into the trailer and opens the garage door. But instead of peacefully climbing into the trailer for the fish, the bear is startled by the sound of the garage door and attacks the man, killing him. The man appears before Jesus, and asks Him why the bear would attack someone who was only trying to help him.

God explains to the man that the bear isn’t to blame for his death. He tells him that it was his own compassion for the beast that brought about his untimely end. “You believed that rescuing the bear, and providing the necessary care needed to save its life, would endear you to him. And that is the reason why you were killed. How can I fault an animal for following its nature? Should I condemn a bear for being a bear?”

In the same way, how can we blame the adulterous woman, if all she was guilty of was being an adulterous woman? And how can we condemn the abusive man, for being an abusive man? It was their partners who CHOSE to overlook their true natures. If a woman marries an alcoholic, having full knowledge that he has a drinking problem, should God let her out of her marriage contract, if she decides her husband’s problem with alcohol is too much for her? If a man marries a woman with an eating disorder, should God let him out of his marriage contract, if he decides he doesn’t want a fat wife? If you enter into the covenant of marriage, and you do not take everything into account, you have no one to blame but yourself for the failure of that relationship.

A woman is married to a man who begins beating her after ten years of marriage. Obviously, there were key elements missing from that relationship, otherwise it would not have escalated to that level in only a decade. The husband is guilty of following a violent path, and breaking the vows of marriage – he is also guilty of the injuries sustained by his wife, the first time he beat her. The wife, however, is responsible for allowing him to carry out that pattern of abuse, beyond that first assault. She may deny that fact, using excuses like, finances, children, fear of further harm, or even fear of death. Her choice in life mates was awfully poor if that last one is a possibility. As far as the rest of the excuses are concerned, they only apply if she has no family beyond her husband, and children. If she chooses to stay with the beater, even when she has parents, siblings, or friends who could help, that is again, HER responsibility. If a surfer knowingly goes surfing in the middle of a school of great white sharks, should we blame the shark for eating him? We live in a victim oriented society. People are constantly blaming others for the consequences of their choices. The woman who allowed herself to be abused over and over, blames the beater, while the beater blames things like bi-polar disorder. “It wasn’t my fault, I’m the VICTIM of a chemical imbalance!” Come on! The only thing you’re a victim of is pass-the-buck syndrome! We are responsible for our choices, and the roads they lead us down. Admitting that is the first step in changing your pattern.

The second step in changing our patterns is probably the most difficult step of all. We MUST become the kind of person that someone would WANT to spend eternity with. So let me ask you something. If you were your spouse, or significant other, would YOU want to spend eternity with you? Be honest. Most people answer no to that question. And if that was also your answer, how do you think it affects your pattern? A negative opinion of one’s self is one of the most destructive elements you can bring into a relationship. Why should your partner carry the burden of proving your worthiness of receiving love? Your opinion of yourself is entirely YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, and it only creates a strain on the relationship when you put that responsibility on your partner. If your partner loves you, and often tells you so, why can’t you just accept that? Why do you treat their affection as a temporary thing, only extended to you, until someone better comes along?

Why do you allow your insecurities to prevent your partner from connecting with you, at a spiritual level? Why are you constantly telling them that you don’t trust them? You don’t have to say the words “I don’t trust you” to convey that message. All you have to do is act as though you don’t believe them when they say “I love you.” And why do you allow your jealousy to confine your partner to a cage? Don’t you realize that our own human instincts will inevitably cause us to try and escape our cages? Your partner isn’t the one looking at your competition and thinking, “wow, there are so many better choices out there than the one I made.” Those are YOUR THOUGHTS. And even though this is your opinion of yourself, you are constantly punishing your partner for it. How can your partner prove his or her love for you, if you look at the evidence he or she presents with untrusting eyes. And without trust, your relationship WILL fail, and your pattern WILL repeat. Trust in a relationship is paramount to its survival. Therefore you have two choices: tear down your walls, and trust that you are worthy of your partner’s love, or keep them up and watch your insecurities drive your partner away.

The third step has also proved to be a difficult one. It requires a person to follow an honorable path. For all of a person’s accomplishments, their homes, their cars, their income, and their families, only one thing cannot be taken from them. You can be robbed of your home, your car, your job, your family, your freedom, and even your life. The only thing that cannot be stripped from you, is your integrity. The sad thing is, most people give that away without a second thought.

You make a vow to your spouse and a vow to God, on your wedding day. To love, honor, and cherish; for better AND for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, keeping yourself ONLY unto him or her for all the days of your life, till death do you part. Remember that promise? A person’s word defines his or her character, and their character defines them. If that person’s word means nothing, he or she is CHOOSING to mean nothing themselves. If a relationship is without honor, or integrity, it will crumble under the weight of its own deceit.

Even when we’re in a relationship, we continue to maintain control of the helm. But instead of one navigator, a relationship has two, both trying to steer the ship in their own directions. In spite of the fact that the sea has never dragged us down, no matter how rough the waters got, we rarely have enough faith to let go of the wheel. And yet, that is what we must do, if we are ever going to find our happy endings. After all, I do not know the way to that place where happily ever after endings are found, and I’m fairly certain you don’t either. That is a destination that only faith can find. If you both try to steer, your ship will likely be dashed against the rocks. The ship is the embodiment of your relationship. You must have faith that it can take you where you need to be.

Like it or not, you do not control your destiny. Be it God, the universe, or fate, something beyond your control has your future well in hand. And if you will just stop fighting the current, it will take you to your destination.

So take a good, long look at your relationship, and ask yourself if it has the elements it needs to succeed. Do you both take RESPONSIBILITY for your choices? Do you TRUST one another? Do you hold firm to your INTEGRITY? Do you know when to FORGIVE, and when not to? And do you have FAITH in the journey, and its destination? If you look back on the failed relationships in your past, I’ll bet you’ll find that they all lacked most of these ingredients. If you examine your present relationship, you may discover that it also lacks some or all of these elements. So the choice is yours, follow your pattern to an unhappy end, or chart a new course, with a new destination.

That journey begins with you taking responsibility for the choices you make, and the consequences those choices bring. You are responsible for the pattern that brought you to this crossroads in life. It is up to YOU to change that pattern, and follow the right path. I think that responsibility, trust, integrity, and faith, would be attributes that any of us could choose. If you are the kind of person who makes these kinds of choices, it would stand to reason that your soul MATE would also be such a person. If you choose someone who does not share these qualities, that is your choice, and your responsibility. You are not a victim of anything, but bad judgment, if you choose poorly. How difficult is it, after all, to recognize someone who takes no responsibility for his or her choices? Are you incapable of noticing if your partner trusts you or not? If your partner has no integrity, do you think you might overlook it? Does your partner do whatever is necessary to EARN your forgiveness when he or she does something that hurts you? How about faith? Do you think they can slip that one by you?

It isn’t as though these are attributes that can be faked with any consistency. Either your CHOICE in partners has them, or they don’t. Therefore, if you disagree with me on the basis that couples rarely ever share these attributes, you are correct that this is a sad reality, but the responsibility for choosing a partner that doesn’t share your ideals, is yours. It is up to you to find the person who best suits you. Creating a lasting relationship depends on the choices you make as an individual. The destiny of that relationship depends on the choices you make as a couple. From there, trust and integrity will fortify you, forgiveness will give you direction, and faith will be your guide. If you both follow the course that these five elements chart for you, your relationship will not fail.

Those of you who are trying to think of reasons why I’m wrong, in order to avoid accepting responsibility for your actions; ask yourself why its so important to prove anything to me. If you aren’t responsible for the pattern your life has followed, why does this treatise bother you so? Why not just say “I’m only human,” and leave it at that. It’s as good an excuse as any for not being responsible, or trusting that your partner loves you. It excuses you from honorable conduct, being wise with forgiveness, or having faith in the journey. It allows you to remain the victim; the victim of being ONLY human. But remember one thing, if that is the path you choose, when the time comes for reflecting back on your life: this too will be your responsibility. God bless U

 

Everyone needs someone, even meme😀

How can you not? I see it in your eyes.. I’ve seen the same look before in mine.. I don’t even look at people anymore when I walk down the street, I’m afraid they will be afraid of what they see.. The sadness in my eyes tells the misery and pain, and I don’t know how to hide it so I prefer to look away.. .
Since I started this journey of writing and sharing my words and thoughts on social media I’ve come across so many broken souls and hurting people, it’s been such an honor and a pleasure to share tears and stories with you all.. I feel as though just having someone to relate to when you feel your lowest is the most helpful way to ease the pain.. Often times those around us choose to make us feel inferior for our problems, or like our problems don’t really matter that much.. They only do this because they aren’t quite sure how to process any one else’s feelings but their own.. You don’t have to feel alienated just because something happens to you and it makes you feel like crying, if it hurts it fuckin hurts and no one can tell you other wise.. Emotions aren’t something to be feared, some of them are just how we deal with pain in these human bodies we are trapped in.. It’s OK to feel it!! Don’t let any one ever tell you other wise.. Everyone’s pain is relevant, everyone’s problems are serious.. We all need to practice more compassion instead of judgment, that doesn’t help anyone or solve anything.. At the end of the day eventually everyone needs someone, even meme. #nodoubt_complicated

 

बस तुम

तुम ही तुम दिखते हो हमे कुछ हुआ तो जरूर है
ये आईने की भुल है या आपकी मस्त निगाहो का कसुर है

 

The Wolf

Once upon a time, I found myself in a deep, dark wood. It was cold and dark and there were many things hidden under the twisted branches waiting to tear me into pieces. I was terrified because I was being hunted, and I had nowhere safe to go. Deep in the woods I met a wolf. He was a man by day, and a beast by night. He told me he could keep me safe and hide me from the hideous thing that hunted me. The wolf took me back to his lair and let me rest upon a bed of duckling down. He lit a fire and covered me in a blanket made of rabbit fur- and for the first time in a million years I felt safe. And for the first time in a million years I could sleep. And I slept and slept, slowly regaining my strength. The wolf would feed me fish he’d caught in a nearby stream- he’d clean and cook the freshwater fish and feed me until my belly was content. He picked me blackberries and made me daisy crowns for my head. The wolf kept me safe day in and day out. And the hideous thing that hunted me never let up- at times it came so close, but the wolf tucked me carefully into his chest and watched over me until it was safe again. With each new day I came to depend on the wolf more and more, until I realized I couldn’t survive without him. I had bound myself to him and he to me- we began to slowly fuse together, losing ourselves day by day. I had fallen deeply in love with the wolf- his eyes as blue as forget-me-nots, his hair as black as ink. I loved him, I helplessly loved him and my heart caught a feverish chill. I was growing weak and so was he- our bond had made us both sick- we didn’t eat or drink or play in the sun- we clung to one another like desperate fools. We made love without stopping until we collapsed. We grew hungry and began to feed upon one another. Soon our tainted bond was more threatening than the vile beast which was still out there in the woods hunting me. One day, I looked into the wolf’s forget-me-not blue eyes and I said, “I need you to let me forget you. And you must forget me. We are killing each other…”. The wolf let out a long, guttural howl and the moon turned black. He didn’t want to let me go and I didn’t want to leave.But watching him waste away before me gave me strength. I loved him, I loved him with every raggedy inch of my sad soul and I knew that if this love was real and true, that I would let him go forever so that he could heal and be free and return to his beastly magnificence. I made love to him one last time and it was bitter-sweet and dreadful- neither of us soared to our previous heights of pleasure that night. Our hearts were shattered and the pillows were drenched in our tears. The comforting fire blew out somewhere in the middle, leaving us in the cold, dark, silence. As the wolf fell into an uneasy sleep, I crept quietly out of his lair and ran as fast as I could, far away. I ran so hard and so fast-I was determined to leave him behind. I was committed to erasing his entire existence from my mind. I buried him so deep in my heart that not even the icy tendrils of my worst nightmares could resurrect my love. I let him die. I let him be forgotten. I erased him.
The day that I ran away, I could hear his paws thundering against the earth as he tore off after me- and I knew that if I stopped for even a moment, he would find me. And I would let him. And then we would both die and it’d all of been for nothing.
This was a thousand years ago, in another place and time. I never think of any of it.
But tonight the moon is full and as I stand out under the night sky, I am convinced that for the briefest moment I can see a pair of long-forgotten eyes watching me from the shadows. I feel a chill dance up my spine. The door to those memories are sealed forever. The soul-achingly tender feelings are encased in hardened cement and sitting at the bottom of a deep, dark, forgotten ocean. I turn my back on the night with thoughts of my warm bed in mind, and as I begin to take my leave the icy wind rushes over my skin, tossing my hair about playfully. And I hear a whisper on the breeze, of a familiar voice that I can hardly remember. “Forget me not” it weeps mournfully. My heart responds in a vague aching, yet I can hardly recall the source of this terrible ghost-pain. I ask my heart why she is aching, but she only howls at the moon and cries…